My career aspirations over the years have varied wildly – from street sweeper (I wanted to make the world a more beautiful place, and also sweep up autumnal leaves) to US President (what do you mean they probably won’t take a British Australian national born in Zimbabwe? What if I brought my own rake?)
I think that all told, my ultimate job would be a cat. I’d be really good at it too! I’d make an amazing cat. In the manner of the most effective job applications, I have mapped my personal skills and qualities against what is required of the role:
Ability to sleep 16 hours a day – anywhere, anytime
I have this one down pat. I used to get home from school, drink a cup of coffee, and pass out on the sofa for 4 hours before bed. I have slept through three consecutive 9 hour flights. I have slept from one end of the Victoria line to the other. I have snuck off at weddings for a quiet siesta, and dozed through death metal bands at Wembley.
My personal best is 16 straight hours of sleeping, but I think everybody has space for development in their careers, and pushing that record forward is a challenge I’m keen to take on.
I have been adored, more than once in my life, and have sought on many occasions to foster this feeling in others. The most relevant example from my recent career history is Ben, who adores me enough to marry me, which I think is a pretty strong indicator of my skills in this department.
Receptiveness to Stroking
I cannot stress enough how much I love to be stroked, and how persistent I am in seeking out opportunities to get stroked. If you need somebody on your team who can hassle someone until they get a pet on the head, I’m your girl. Cat. Girl.
I am also very cuddly and snuggly, and less inclined to switch on you than most cats.
Ability to Purr
This kind of goes hand in hand with the previous point, but rest assured: I can do this. I would be happy to demonstrate these skills at interview.
A Certain Aloof Quality
Many of my close friends have commented that in the early stages of our friendship I came across as ‘stand-offish’, and I think I have a real skill in reticence towards new people that makes me ideally suited to executing the kind of cold shoulder only a cat can pull off.
Bottomless Desire for Food
Over the past 9 years I have trained my Human, er Husband, to respond to non-verbal demands for food, culminating in a simple mouth open, finger pointing gesture that has been known to summon hot chocolate, slices of cake, and yummy yummy fish pies. Like most cats, I have a total disdain for catfood. It smells like arse.
Ability to React to the Slightest Noise
I am a naturally skittish person, and have spent many a sleepless night twitching at the sound of the fridge whirring. My most recent accomplishment in this area was two nights ago, when Ben’s toe brushed mine as I started to doze. My half-sleeping brain was convinced a spider had run across my foot, and spent the next ten minutes a gibbering mess.
Natural Grace and Athleticism
So, that is my application for the post of Cat. If anybody would like to hire me for this position, I would consider a starting salary of £40,000 (this is a dream job after all) but am open to negotiation. As is customary in the terms for this kind of position, I reserve the right to disappear at night and for days on end, suggesting I potentially have a second home (I do, it’s here with Ben).
Job offers can be left in the comments below. For now, I leave you with 4 minutes of cat magic: