sirisa clark

the things I do and the words I choose

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Dream Job

My career aspirations over the years have varied wildly – from street sweeper (I wanted to make the world a more beautiful place, and also sweep up autumnal leaves) to US President (what do you mean they probably won’t take a British Australian national born in Zimbabwe? What if I brought my own rake?)

I think that all told, my ultimate job would be a cat. I’d be really good at it too! I’d make an amazing cat. In the manner of the most effective job applications, I have mapped my personal skills and qualities against what is required of the role:

Ability to sleep 16 hours a day – anywhere, anytime

I have this one down pat. I used to get home from school, drink a cup of coffee, and pass out on the sofa for 4 hours before bed. I have slept through three consecutive 9 hour flights. I have slept from one end of the Victoria line to the other. I have snuck off at weddings for a quiet siesta, and dozed through death metal bands at Wembley.

My personal best is 16 straight hours of sleeping, but I think everybody has space for development in their careers, and pushing that record forward is a challenge I’m keen to take on.

Just give me a minute… I’ll… zzzzzz


I have been adored, more than once in my life, and have sought on many occasions to foster this feeling in others. The most relevant example from my recent career history is Ben, who adores me enough to marry me, which I think is a pretty strong indicator of my skills in this department.

Altogether now, awwwwww

Receptiveness to Stroking

I cannot stress enough how much I love to be stroked, and how persistent I am in seeking out opportunities to get stroked. If you need somebody on your team who can hassle someone until they get a pet on the head, I’m your girl. Cat. Girl.

I am also very cuddly and snuggly, and less inclined to switch on you than most cats.

Yes that’s it! Right under the chin… purrrfect

Ability to Purr

This kind of goes hand in hand with the previous point, but rest assured: I can do this. I would be happy to demonstrate these skills at interview.

A Certain Aloof Quality

Many of my close friends have commented that in the early stages of our friendship I came across as ‘stand-offish’, and I think I have a real skill in reticence towards new people that makes me ideally suited to executing the kind of cold shoulder only a cat can pull off.

Fuck you gold scarf, you don’t know me

Bottomless Desire for Food

Over the past 9 years I have trained my Human, er Husband, to respond to non-verbal demands for food, culminating in a simple mouth open, finger pointing gesture that has been known to summon hot chocolate, slices of cake, and yummy yummy fish pies. Like most cats, I have a total disdain for catfood. It smells like arse.

What the hell is this? Where’s the filet mignon?

Ability to React to the Slightest Noise

I am a naturally skittish person, and have spent many a sleepless night twitching at the sound of the fridge whirring. My most recent accomplishment in this area was two nights ago, when Ben’s toe brushed mine as I started to doze. My half-sleeping brain was convinced a spider had run across my foot, and spent the next ten minutes a gibbering mess.

Natural Grace and Athleticism


So, that is my application for the post of Cat. If anybody would like to hire me for this position, I would consider a starting salary of £40,000 (this is a dream job after all) but am open to negotiation. As is customary in the terms for this kind of position, I reserve the right to disappear at night and for days on end, suggesting I potentially have a second home (I do, it’s here with Ben).

Job offers can be left in the comments below. For now, I leave you with 4 minutes of cat magic:


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The Daily Weird

Today, McLaren drove their 2012 Supercar into the central atrium of my workplace, Central Saint Martins:

Photo Credit: Alli Wynn 2012

It’s orange… I love it

My workplace is pretty cool. The first time Ben came to meet me for lunch there, I found him waiting in the atrium.

Ben: This is where you work?

Siri: yeah… shall we go get some lunch?

Ben: How come all those times you’ve come home and moaned about what a shitty day you’ve had, you never mention that every day you walk into this vast, cathedral-like space, full of eccentrically-dressed creatives?

Siri: Um… I dunno. It sort of wears off after a while.

Ben: That guy over there has a foxtail sewn into his hair

Spider Mewp, yay!

One year ago, it was still a building site

The truth is, even when you work in the most mind-boggling places and are surrounded by interesting people doing interesting things, if you sit in the back office all day shuffling numbers on a spreadsheet and typing notes, things can get a little humdrum. Which is why I like to get out and about in the building as much as possible. It helps that a lot of what is awesome and weird happens outside my office window.

Here are some of the awesome/bizarre things I have witnessed since starting there just over a year ago:

  • Vin Diesel’s trailer parked outside the window, while film Fast and Furious 6
Photo Credit: Alli Wynn 2012

So Fast! So Furious!

  • Vince Cable pulling up outside my window in a Prius, jumping out and shaking hands with the University’s Rector
  • A van pulling up, setting up perches, and unloading 6 large birds of prey, who flew around killing pigeons
  • Kiwi Olympic House building a BBQ in the square out the front. And then accidentally burning it down…
Photo Credit: Alli Wynn 2012

Really should have turned the burgers sooner guys

  • This:

Every workplace should have one of these signs

  • Student fashion shoots

Is moulting the Next Big Thing?

  • Student… er, performance art?

Nice cape young man

  • The Noisettes filming their latest video
  • Pastel-coloured cows invading for the ice cream festival

The kept moving around when nobody was looking

  • Grayson Perry having lunch in the canteen. In full drag
  • kids going nuts for the new fountain-studded square out front (seriously, it’s N1’s premier tourist destination now)

There are worse ways to spend your summer I guess

Guardian building peeping through in the background

Okay I admit it, I love my work. Here’s to another mental year…